A researcher notes a relationship between poverty and crime. We, as reasonable people, declare “War On Poverty.” A correlation is found linking crime with drug abuse. We declare “War On Drugs.” Guns are used in the commission of crimes. We declare “War On Guns.”

So many wars, so few results.

Yes, some poor people commit crimes. Put the numbers together and you’ll find that somewhere around 40% of violent offenders are what most people would consider economically deprived.

Some drug users commit real crimes. About 60% of violent criminals admit using drugs or alcohol or test positive by urinalysis.

Oh, and lest we blame people for their behavior, let’s not forget that over half of all violent crimes somehow involve a gun.

So what does all this mean? Watch out for inebriated poor people? Sell your gun for a lot of money? No, the fact is, it doesn’t mean anything. Well, except for that inebriated poor people part -- sure, that’s a good idea.

There was no huge outbreak of crime during the depression and a whole lot of people were poor back then. There wasn’t any crime at Woodstock and there you had over half-a-million people so high that they thought the music sounded good. There’s a fully loaded, fully automatic assault weapon in virtually every home in Switzerland but they don’t have a big crime problem. No, those numbers just don’t mean a damned thing. They don’t mean any more than the fact that 90% of violent criminals are right-handed.

As far as I can tell, there is only one meaningful statistical relationship between violent crime and any one group of people. Only one definable characteristic that holds true across national boundaries -- Germany, Japan and Iraq all have similar problems. Only one characteristic that works across time -- the correlation was there before we had a drug problem and long before we were concerned with violence in media.

Yes, there is one easily identifiable group committing a disproportionate amount of crime. They’re not bound by any common economic attribute. They don’t all use drugs. They don’t all own guns and they’re not all the same color. For as long as records have been kept, over 95% of all violent crimes have been committed by people with penises who were cranked up on testosterone. Maybe we should call a truce on all those other wars and just declare a “War On Gonads.”

We’ve heard all the excuses -- the drugs made them do it, the pornography made them do it; their unhappy childhood made them do it, racist society made them do it. Bullshit! I'm here to tell you their balls made them do it! They’re not victims of drugs, poverty or even gun proximity. They are victims of their testicles! Their nuts literally make them nuts!

I’m not suggesting we round up everyone with a penis. As effective as that would be, horny women are dangerous too. Besides, I have the complete set of tools myself and I, like many other men, have never committed a violent crime. No, I have sort of a kooky idea; instead of punishing everyone with testicles or everyone who takes drugs or everyone who owns a gun, let’s just punish criminals.

Apparently, it’s hard for some people to understand, but if you own a gun and kill everybody in a McDonald’s; the killing is the crime, not ownership of the gun. If you spend 12 hours a day looking at pornography and then commit a rape; the rape is what is offensive, not the pornography. If you read the Bible and then murder an abortion doctor; the murder is wrong, not reading or Christianity.

We have plenty of real crime to fight without all this “guilt-by-association” and “guilt-by-probability.” Almost 75% of the people who were jailed last year for a violent crime had already been jailed at least once before for a violent crime! I know this seems obvious, but the only group (other than males) committing a lot of crime is, well, criminals.

That’s why I’m suggesting a sort of “two-strikes-you’re-out plan.” Commit a violent crime; lose a ‘nad. Commit a second violent crime; lose the other ‘nad. Commit a third violent crime… I’m betting we won’t have a lot of three time losers.

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