I spent the entire month of April trying to think of something funny to say about taxes. I’m still thinking.

I started by trying to find some obscure, ridiculous tax most people don’t know about. I found so many taxes that fit the bill that it totally changed my direction. I soon found myself trying to figure out what percentage of my money the government ends up with every year. Not just income taxes, not just Federal taxes – any form of payment to any government. I wanted to discover what government is really costing me. I'm still working, and I don't think I've uncovered all of it yet.

For instance, I was surprised to find out that Uncle Sam gets a cut of my phone bill. Of the $40 per month I pay just to have two phone lines, Sammy gets $8. $4 is supposedly for a program for the hearing impaired and the rest is just graft that even the phone company doesn't understand. That's $96 dollars per year that, until recently, I didn't know I was “contributing.” As it turns out, all of the public utilities pay a little protection money to Big Brother or one of his siblings. Well, they don't pay it; you and I do. Looked at your cable TV bill lately? I won't even go into it.

There are semi-hidden taxes on alcohol, tobacco and firearms. A blatant discrimination against rednecks everywhere, these “Billy Bob” taxes even have their very own heavily armed tax collection bureau.

I get different answers from different sources, but best estimates say that funny looking little sticker on the bottom of my cigarette pack cost me 64 cents (24 cents Federal and 40 cents state). So, I'm contributing another $467.20 every year from my cigarette purchases alone. Bill, Hillary and soon every state Attorney General would like to see me pay $1,460 dollars per year for the “privilege” of smoking.

It varies from state to state, but on average, the combined taxes on a fifth of whiskey are $4.50. That’s almost half the total cost of the rot gut I drink. The average cost of those stamps on beer cans is 80 cents per six-pack -- 33 cents Federal, the rest state and local. God only knows how much of my money they've gotten from those things over the years. I've probably unwittingly paid for the overthrow of some poor third-world country.

When you pump gas into your car or pour in a can of oil, you're paying taxes. Buy tires and you pay “Federal Excise Taxes” , whatever those are. I bought a car battery the other day and had to kick in 5 bucks for battery disposal. Guess who that went to. Have you tried to throw anything bigger than a bread box away lately? I mean like a refrigerator, couch or any other type of “hazardous” waste? It'll cost you. Didn't we already pay for the landfill, equipment and personnel through some of those other tax thingies?

Did you know that there is a 10% Federal tax on all domestic airline flights? If you want to leave the country, there’s a “departure tax.” And it’s not over when you land; almost all major cities have hotel taxes of 10% or more.

But don’t try staying home to beat this scheme. There you have to pay “personal property taxes” or “real-estate taxes.” No one owns land anymore -- they just rent it from the government.

Ever wonder why so many businesses have those “inventory reduction” sales? Most are trying to beat “inventory taxes.” You know, where they’re taxed for not selling stuff during the year. All of those “non-sales” represent lost sales taxes, you know. The government really has no choice but to penalize them for such incompetence.

These are all direct costs. What about indirect costs? How much of the price of a cheeseburger is caused by payroll taxes, or commercial property taxes? What about higher product costs caused by government regulation? How much of the price of any product these days is the result of overly stringent labor laws, bizarre safety regulations, impractical accounting demands, or mysterious transportation tariffs?

I'm positive that I haven't uncovered all the clever little ways they've devised to suck the life blood out of me, and I'm already up to 55% of my money is going to one form of government or another! Over half of my money is going to the government! They got more of the money I earned last year than I did!

Did you ever stop to think about: fishing licenses, hunting licenses, drivers licenses, marriage licenses, car licenses, licenses for TV and radio stations, toll bridges and highways, speeding tickets, parking tickets, public recording fees, building permits, demolition permits, food service permits, liquor permits, property seizures, ..., fines..., penalties..., ...

OK, it's funny. Isn't it?

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